that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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