Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
