Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
