His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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