Four minutes until I can fart!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
