um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
