My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
