Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
