i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
