my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
