Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
