Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
