Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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