The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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