Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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