The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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