How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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