i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
