You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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