He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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