I hate your face
Your mouth is God's brothel.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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