just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
