every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
