Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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