You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
