we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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