I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
