Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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