awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
