Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
