dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
