Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
