why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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