im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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