Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We need a shit load of segways right now
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
