nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
