I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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