billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Found the puke drawer
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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