Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
