The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
