My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
