Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
