It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
