Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
