it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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