You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
