the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
