apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
