I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
