I bet he comes in French.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
