how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
