You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
