you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
