The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
